Cats 2019 is a purrfect disaster

Jackson Collins, Director of Visuals

Jackson Collins

Once upon a time, T.S. Eliot wrote a book of poetry entitled “Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats”, which inspired famous composer Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a musical around it.

Why on earth was Webber inspired by this sensual cat poetry? No one knows, and many should be concerned. This man even took out a second mortgage on his house to fund his hellish musical nightmare.

Against all odds, Cats became the longest running musical in Broadway’s history. Now it’s one of the biggest failures in film history.

It’s frankly appalling that this movie was even green-lit to begin with. You know what sounds like a great idea? A musical about cats introducing themselves and fighting over who gets to die.

It gets a star-studded cast, but instead of having them wear costumes, the film is done with the same motion-cap technology used in monstrosities such asMars Needs Moms.

Not to mention, it had the perfect release date (as in the same day the new Star Wars came out).

To make the movie an accessible adaptation, Taylor Swift’s character, Victoria stands in place of the audience, and characters explain plot beats to her. Well, the term “plot” is used loosely in this instance.

There are vaguely religious and cult-like themes brought on by the concept of “Jellicle Cats” that are hardly explored. Yet the story is not nearly as vomit-inducing as the appearance.

The animation is as dreadful and uncanny as all the critics say it is. It is an abysmal and surreal viewing experience for all ages.

The sizing of the characters is so inconsistent that the audience has no clue the true scale of these characters. Are they the size of mice? Small humans? Who knows?

The songs are tolerable, but even theatre people have mixed feelings about this musical. With a cast so incredible, they certainly do the source material justice. However, it is nearly impossible to enjoy that with how horrible this movie looks.

Much like stage version, the choreography is impressive, and borderline sexual. One almost has to see it to believe.

I would not recommend this to anyone who does not wish to taste their mental illness. Even if one would want to subject themselves to this, this film did so horribly that the only showtimes at nearby movie theaters were at 10 in the morning.

Cats is hands down one of the worst films of the decade, and I pity the star-studded cast that was involved in it.